Thoughts of a Mad Man

"I have stood here before inside the pouring rain,
With the world turning circles running round my brain,
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign,
But its my destiny to be the king of pain"

Location: Cairo, Egypt

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Dead Winter Dead

What's this feeling of DREAD that I've got?
Am I really going to die? or am I losing myself, losing my identity losing the Refaat inside me?

I'm not sure what's going on or what's wrong, I just have this bad feeling about myself? is it my reckless driving? is it my core spirit that is changing and giving me this feeling? is it my decision of writing my death notes for all my friends and leave them for safe keeping with Haitham that enforces this feeling upon me? or is it my renewed and yet undecided belief in God that makes me feel mortal again?  I just can't stop thinking of what's wrong or what's going on.

Even my friends noticed that I'm changed and passed it off as one of my depressing moods. But this time is different, I know it is, I can feel that it is. I've often had pure feeling like this before and most of the time they're correct, I know when I'm in BETWEENESS and this time I can feel it at play.

I really don't know what to do, none will understand me none can phanthom what's going on inside my head. I've got alot of friends and most of them are trustworthy and intelligent and care about be, that I often consult them, but not this time I doubt even Haitham can understand me.

Dear Lord would you please lift this burden off my shoulders? can it really be done? can I be saved? I doubt it, seriously doubt it this time. I don't think there is anything that could be done, I'll try to finish my death notes ASAP and tell Haitham how he can access them.

"Have I erred?"
The hall echoed the words, for now it was vacant,
the servants having slipped away, Ashen-Shugar brooded
upon his throne. He spoke to shadows "Have i erred?"
Now you know doubt, answered the ever present voice.
"This strange strange quietness within, what is it?"
It is death approaching.
Ashen-Shugar closed his eyes. "I thought as much. So
few of my kind live beyond battle. It was a rare thing.
I am the last. Still I would like to fly Shuruga once more"
He is gone, dead ages past.
"But I flew him this morning"
It was a dream, as this is.
"Am I also mad?"
You are but a memory. This is but a dream.
"Then I will do what is planned. I accept the inevitable.
Another will come take my place."
So it has happened already, for I am the one who came,
and I have taken up your sword and put up your mantle,
your cause is now mine. I guard against those who would
plunder this world.
"Then am I content to die"



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