Thoughts of a Mad Man

"I have stood here before inside the pouring rain,
With the world turning circles running round my brain,
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign,
But its my destiny to be the king of pain"

Name:
Location: Cairo, Egypt

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Witchcraft

I have no idea what's going in inside my head, but the demons are too many and they are leeching at my soul in every way they can the pain is just unbearable.

I have no idea where this path will take me, but I'll do anything that can put my pains on hold or remove them all together no matter what it takes, even if I end up burning at a stake or in hell.


I haven't wrote anything here lately and I don't think anyone checks this blog anymore, I think its safe to share my dark thoughts of the craft here, and use this blog as a way to track my thoughts and pour out my insanity. May the lord have mercy on my soul and forgive me for what I'm about to undertake.


I wish she was still here with me, I wish I could talk to her, I wish I can smile again and feel alive, I wish.... I wish... I wish a million and one things about her and I wish I'd die.

Labels:

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Death wishs & Death ways

Slit thy throat with thy sword

I've decided to work on the best way to begone from life. I found a very interesting website http://fringe.davesource.com/Fringe/Information/Suicide_FAQ.html apparently I'm not the only "Mad Man" out there, and that the road have been well traveled by so many different travelers before me.

I'll read the the list thoroughly and decide on the best methods and post them back here. If you're interested in the topic or have any ideas, please don't hesitate to reply back to me.

Edited like 1hr late:

Quite a disappointment, typical suicide methods but I liked how he listed the dosage of each drug and the certainty of RIP, no fancy ways thou, no sweet sleeping potions or joyful elixirs, only a true alchemist would would understand what I'm looking for.

At least now I know that slitting one's wrists will not work and probably just causes injury and that slitting throats needs to be done deeply and not superficial since the artery is protected at the back of something? (I'm not a doctor so I already forgot the anatomy, maybe I should consult a doctor?)

The idea of sky diving or scuba diving accidents are not bad, but too much trouble. Death by a thousand cut sounds interesting, I wonder why the author claims its originally Arabian would be fun to dig up its history.

For those of you who doesn't know about it, I'll paste it here from the website: 

"This is a modern variant of the Arabic 'Death of a thousand cuts'. Basically, jump onto a stack of unravelled razor wire, and roll around till you die.. it may help to connect a high- voltage, low current power supply to the wire, so that you have spasms, which should keep you getting cut even when you are unconscious. Also, you should make sure that you can't roll off the wire."

So I'll keep searching and will keep you guys updated with the coolest methods and which one of them I've decided on.

Edited on 29th of October:

The black moods still strikes, I'm set in my resolve I'm waiting for a specific action to start the count down of my life. I've decided on a 2 weeks notice period in this life.

I'll make a party at my house invite all my friends for a celebration feast, thank all of them in person, then I'll travel to upper Egypt to visit my father's family, say my good byes to them, then I'll return home and do it.

I'm still haven't decided upon the method but an OD of something sounds good and easy enough to do.

May the lord have mercy on my soul. 

Fortune, fame, mirror vain, gone insane but the memory remains....
 

Friday, April 23, 2010

In the end

It starts with
One thing I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time

All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away

It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Or wasted it all just to watch you go

I kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be
A memory of a time when

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how

I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised

It got so far
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me in the end

You kept everything inside
And even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be
A memory of a time when

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Savatage - Believe

So after all these one night stands
You've ended up with heart in hand
A child alone
On your own
Retreating
Regretful for the things you're not
And all dreams you haven't got
Without a home
A heart of stone
Lies bleeding

And for all the roads you followed
And for all you did not find
And for all the things you had to leave behind

I am the way
I am the light
I am the dark inside the night
I hear your hopes
I feel your dreams
And in the dark
I hear your screams
Don't turn away
Just take my hand
And when you make your final stand
I'll be right there
I'll never leave
All I ask of you
Believe
Your childhood eyes were so intense
While bartering your innocence
For bits of string
Grown-up wings
You needed

But when you had to add them up
You found that they were not enough
To get you in
Pay for sins repeated

And for all the years you borrowed
And for all the tears you cried
And for all the fears you had to keep inside

I am the way
I am the light
I am the dark inside the night
I hear your hopes
I feel your dreams
And in the dark
I hear your screams
Don't turn away
Just take my hand
And when you make your final stand
I'll be right there
I'll never leave
And all I ask of you is
Believe

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Its So Easy Not To Try

It's so easy not to try,
Let the world go drifting by.
If you never say hello,
You won't have to say goodbye.
It's so easy not to try,
Never stay around to cry,
Move along when troubles come,
Like a mindless butterfly. For what good is it to love
When the loving always ends?
Travel on the road that's straight,
Not the one with hills and bends. It's so easy not to try,
Let the world go drifting by.
If you never say hello,
You won't have to say goodbye.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Descend The Shades of Night

Sitting in the empty black
The last slivers of dusk have passed
Accept the dawn to ease the fear
One day I will not be here
Death she comes and with her thread
Upon me ties a mask for dead
Its tears of blood begin to seep
And bleed the sky

Descend the shades of night
Death shines her golden light
Across a blackened sky
All our hate is a product of our world...
We created

Ashen clouds obscure my brain
Doubts begin to turn to shame
Insecureness tears at bliss
I hate me for this weakness
Faith drives me to carry on
And take the road less travelled on
Resentment swallowed means to drown
The poison down
The shades of night descend

Descend the shades of night
Death shines her golden light
Across a blackened sky
All our hate is a product of our world...
We created

Scream with me
Bleed with me
Seethe with me
Sing with me

Free me
Free me
Free me

Descend the shades of night
Death shines her golden light
Across a blackened sky
The shades of night descend

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Nothing is forever

Nothing is forever, nothing lasts forever. I'm again reminded of that ugly truth. Even true genuine friendship, what I've always considered to be the most holy religion on earth can't last forever.

I no longer see a point in anything or any value, we're bounded by our rules (religious or culture), by our visions and dreams, by our thoughts, by our morals. A wheel within a wheel, there is no place to run for or anyone who can help. Shall I just go and sit in a monstary or a cave?

If nothing lasts forever and nothing is constant, then what's the point in any anything? If the flesh rots, the spirit dies, and the heart changes, then why do we care or bother with life, if we're sure that in X number of years from now will  probably change our friends, our values, and our life; then what's the point in having any of those? why would you take or get something that you're sure you gonna mourn at its loss!


'How is it that immortals die, Tomas?'
Tomas did not look at his friend as he spoke. 'Nothing is forever, Pug'
Then he looked at Pug, who saw a strange light in his friend's eyes, as if Tomas were poised for battle. 'Nothing. Immortality, power, dominance, all are illusions. Don't you see? We are simply pawns in a game beyond our understanding'

Labels: